career determinism, please step back, turn around, and walk away. i do not want to face your derisive laughter.

when i got home after the last cringe, i read the beginning of my very first diary (ages 10–11), which i'd previously overlooked as boring, and realized there's some stuff to be mined in there. apparently i was a hypercritical little shit. also, i copyedited my own diary. when i was 11. i can tell the corrections by their different ink color—and it's not just a spelling fix here and there, but things like end parentheses and even pronoun consistency. i find this far more troubling than "The reason I think Sarah B--- is being especially mean to me is because she's jealous that I have parents that are home, and Bill and I are good friends."

liquid asse(t)s

"cash, check, or ass wallet?"

in an awkward, near-surreal twist on the appeals made by the more famous 5th avenue, this electronics shop on 5th ave in brooklyn kindly lets customers use their dimpled flab to purchase a bevy of remote controls, laser-light key chains, and other utility-drawer clutter-uppers.

fitting that the country with the most thongs (and flavors of doritos) per capita would see to it that our asses become the latest engine of consumer growth.